Friday, 16 November 2012

Karmic Dysentery

Okay, okay. I realise I haven’t blogged since the summer. I’ve suffered guilty guilt at the thought of leaving you without recreational swearing or entertaining facts about piles for months. My excuse is that I was writing a crime thriller and a series of books for small children AND doing a rewrite on a kids’ novel that went exactly nowhere. The stuff that makes money has to come first, right? Those anoraks and big knickers don’t buy themselves.

So what has been on my mind lately? I’ll tell you what...Karma. That stupid fucking idea that if you’re a good person, good things will happen to you, and if you’re a bastard, your bumhole will knit together, causing you to asphyxiate slowly on your own acrid guff. 

The optimist in me thought this might work...
Being a naive knob-cobbler, I have always thought that if I give to charity – hell, I worked for charities for about 20 years – nice things will come my way. I thought my karma account was in the black and I could expect great health, multiple book deals and thin knees to come my way. What did I get instead? Varicose veins, literary obscurity and dysentery. Yeah, you heard me right. Dysentery.

In October, my Father-in-Law, always the keen climber of stairs in the dark, managed to climb the stairs in the dark...and fall headlong back down to the bottom, because he’s a doddery old fart – more Stannah Stair than Fred Astaire. He broke his head. Well, actually, that’s a fib. He broke 3 vertebrae in his neck and painted the walls with the inside of his head but mercifully, the head wound was superficial and the neck will mend. 

Muggins – Karma Queen, here – plus family went trekking down to the fragrant vale of Croydon to visit Stannah Stair in hospital. He was wearing his new traction ensemble, complete with a Tena pad on his head and support stockings. Notwithstanding my sock-envy, I was glad to see him alive. And I was certain I had earned 50 billion karma points for dropping everything to do a 300 mile round trip to show support  (I would have done it, even without the karma points, because I’m not a complete cow). 

Remember, Father-in-law: Stannah Stair, not Fred Astaire!
But no! What happened? We took my Mother-in-Law out for lunch to a local restaurant to cheer her up.  Within a few hours, I felt like I had been poisoned with potassium or polyester or plutonium or whatever it is that old Eastern Bloc spies spike your butties with.  Then I turned into an intestinal jet wash. 

Dysentery, to the unacquainted, is an affliction - the kind suffered by actors in Bridge on the River Kwai and Tenko - whereby everything on the inside apart from your bones makes a very fast getaway through your arse. I survived on diarolyte alone for a full week. I went through my entire range of Primark winceyette pyjamas.

This was my karmic payback for caring. And, as soon as I was up and about again, we all came down with flu. Then my child’s drum teacher got the hump and sacked me off for poor attendance. 

So now, I’ve decided that being a nice person is seriously overrated. I am going to hone my skills at being an obnoxious fat-kneed turd and we’ll see if that doesn’t turn me into an overnight success. I’ll let you know how I get on. In the meantime, I’m off to mug a student for his Children In Need collecting tin...

Warning: belief in Karma can cause terminal disappointment and bad wind.


  1. Glad you're back, Horrormoanal Woman - I missed you! Where else can I read a post about karmic incontinence?

    1. I'm not sure where else you could read about this fascinating topic, but I strongly suggest it's information the NHS should consider providing instead of doling out prescriptions for Ritalin and HRT. Thanks for reading!

  2. I literally, LOL-ed. I love how your blogs always fill my head with images I don't particularly want, but enjoy nevertheless. Thanks for sharing :o xxx

    1. You know I'm the caring, sharing type, Wendy. Except now, of course, I realise all that tree-hugging, hippy selflessness is not paying off. Next time I post, instead of covering an emotive topic such as dysentery and destairification of the elderly, I'll just review the salt content in supermarket beans.

    My daughter suffered from a terrible dysentery pile for more than 23 years which started after she turned 5 we all thought it will end but got even worse as days went by. We tried all several treatments and therapy prescribed by various doctors we met but to no avail, She usually tells me she feeling stomach pain. This were steady pain that disrupted her entire life, even at night she sleep less because the pain become worst .It was during a casual conversation with a friend that i learned about dr Williams herbal medicine I was able to contact him on his email address. and give him all the necessary information that he needed,few day later he sent me the herbal portion and his medicine was able to restore her back to normal and she is very okay now without any side effects whatsoever. If you have any form of dysentery , do not hesitate to contact him on for advice and for his product. I hope this also helps someone out there.

  4. As a sign of gratitude for how my husband was saved from dysentery pile, i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My husband was diagnosed of dysentery pile in 2013 and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, he had difficulty eating, and he always complain of stomach pain. we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many other with similar body problem, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to dysentery pile. I never imagined dysentery pile has a natural cure if not surgary not until i contacted him and he assured me my husband will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my husband used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. dysentery pile has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my story