Friday, 3 February 2012

Biohazard: Contains madness and phlegm

Hello everyones.  I has been ill a lot lately.  I has bean coffin and coffin and chokin’ and there is lots less oxygen in my brian.  It iz three weaks now and I iz still poorly wiv broncheyetis.  I am bored now.  So I has done lots of fings to keep me happy at home and nice and warm.

I has done drumming.  It looks like this: Please watch this film now coz it is proper cobblers.


In my head, my drummings looks like Taylor Hawkins out of the Foot Fighters with boobs or Dave Growl out of the Foot Fighters and Nirvananas with boobs but reely, my drummings iz like a pile of steaming plop and I has coffins a lot too while I am doing them.  Becos I iz a bit old, I has started weeing a bit when I coff.  I am wearing a thingy to soak up the wee.  I don't think the Foot Fighters or dead Khurd Cobain or not dead Katie Perry does wee when they coff. 

I has done art.  Like this, except not like this, because this is a bit shit and my drorings are less shit:

I has done ironings.  This means I get to make the clothes flat as well as doing steme inhalations, wot the doctor said was a good thing for my weezing.
Ironings is good for making things flat and growing flem

It is a lot like a day centre for lazy, daft people in my house but I am the only person hear and I am talking to myself a lot.  I has been ill enough now.  I has coffed up so much furry, green flem that I called the last one Joost and made him a cheese sandwich.  

Please send messages to God and Santa and ask for me to get better soon and get more oxygen in my brian.



  1. Oh God, I am laughing so much I have tears! HAHAHAHAHA! Everyone who is feeling grumpy this morning, and everyone who isn't, should read this. I am genuinely sorry though that you're still poorly (you know this anyway) and really hope you pick up soon, but that dummin n coffin n cursin thing - pure class!

  2. Why thank you, Abi! I have noticed that the lack of oxygen to the brian is making for some outlandish bollocks coming out of my mouth, at high volume and uncensored. Also, please note the very bad hair in my stellar music video. This is a product of lovingly not washing it for a week. It now smells of onions and stale roast chicken and inside of hat.

  3. Praying to God and Santa for you! My house is a tip too because we have the builders in and they disconnected the washing machine and now we have no clean clothes left so I am wearing my underpants inside out and feeling very unclean.

    1. Men have been wearing underpants inside out for centuries. Just think of it as a step in the direction of true female emancipation. I actually made it back into work today. It felt weird and the phone needed a good wipe but it seems your prayers worked. Thanks!

  4. You iz as crazy as shit is brown, Marn. I hope your brian never gets enuff oxygen agen just so as we get mor of this hilaryarse shit.x

    1. Unfortunately, I can already feel normalalitude creeping back into my brian, Wendy. Perhaps to counter that, next blog post, I shall embed a little vid of me sledging reluctantly off into the distance in my daft hat. Glad you liked this week's film noir though. I felt it was time I came clean about my receding hairline and tefal slap. Have you noticed that I have Bill Bailey hair when I don't wash it? Imagine that!

  5. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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