Friday, 27 April 2012

Wash, dry, repeat...


I’m taking the liberty of composing a blog post today about something that affects us all.  Personal hygiene.  And bottomly stink.  Over the past month, I have suffered all kinds of bum-flavoured intimate guff, none of which was mine.  It’s now time to share...


The most up-to-date vulvular violation happened earlier today, when I met a friend in a cafe in Chorley and used the cafe’s toilet.  I stared down at the toilet seat and there it was, grinning back at me: someone’s secret smile; a labia lithograph, etched on the plastic like sinister photocopied genitals.  Except there was no photocopier involved and the ink was actual fanny batter.  Yes, I’m taking about the beastly phenomenon of a fangita print on the toilet seat.  Eeuw.  To make matters worse, the mean age in the cafe was about 82.

I know you’re weeping with sympathy for me here, but it is not the first time I have experienced this.  My former place of employment specialised in hoopla, goolie and bum prints on the one toilet that was shared by about fifty people.  Not to mention, the occasional turd dressing with a side-order of wee.  

Several questions spring to mind here. 
A: how can people’s eye/arse co-ordination be so bad that they can’t manoeuvre themselves accurately onto a seat that is designed to allow the bottom bits to hover comfortably over a hole, without hitting the seat?  
B: What have the people done to have dangleage so dirty, that they leave a greasy mark? 
C:  How can they stand up and walk away from arse inspired toilet-seat-decoration that is as eyecatching and distinctive and NOTICEABLE as Warhol’s tins of Campbell’s soup? 
See, the Japanese have got it spot on.

Wipe the fucking toilet seat if you can’t be bothered to wash your genitals, people!  And don’t piss all over the seat and leave it!  You’re not a cat and it isn’t a litter tray.
 
For defacating-age adults
Only the other week, on holiday, I visited the swimming pool toilet after a very expensively groomed and bikini clad older woman came out of the cubicle, having dropped her intestines and a guff bomb that would take out Rochdale.  She never warned me.  I nearly choked to death.  Could she not have said in a range of languages, “Give it five minutes.”?  If I were teaching languages in school, this would be one of the first things I would teach children.

My other gripe is personal stink.  If I, sitting next to you, can smell your intimate savoury twang, why can’t you?  Everyone has occasion to go to the toilet and think, fuck, I’m a bit ripe.  Time for a go on the bidet.  Even the girl in Homeland wipes her kebab with a soapy flannel when she has to go to a meeting but hasn’t had time to shower.  That Billingsgate/chocolatey tagnuts smell, people, is a prompt to get out the soap and water BEFORE people sitting near you start to smell you through your jeans.  Same goes for armpits.  Nobody needs to choke on oniony ones.  Get 'em washed.

There is a school of thought that says human intimate smells are natural and full of pheromones and arouse the interest of the opposite sex, even while driving a Fiat Multipla, wearing orange polyester.  But I say, we’ve come further than that.  Let Vivienne Westwood put fanny batter in her perfume.  I don’t need to pay £50 for a bottle of Eau de Boeuf.  And neither should you!
I agree in principle, but men aren't always the culprits.

12 comments:

  1. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry, but the image of a labia lithograph etched on a plastic toilet seat is going to make me look twice next time I visit any public convenience.
    Thank you for sharing. Well, kind of :O

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    1. You must always be vigilant! Sometimes a layer of bog roll carefully placed between you and the muff print is not enough...

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Marnie, you are a little gem! Hilarious! I really wish you were a school teacher - you would revolutionise teaching as we know it... in fact, even better, you should stand for parliament - your country needs you!!!

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    1. It's an interesting suggestion, Abi, but I'm not sure outlawing cheesy helmet flakes would clinch a win against David Cameron. Or maybe it would...

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  3. I am going to scrub with bleach the next time I come within a mile of you, I suddenly feel so dirty!

    Very funny though!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed that, George and yes, bleach-flavoured perfume is a good idea although you've always seemed fairly cleanly to me. Keep up the good work. I hasten to add that farting is unavoidable for everyone and is therefore acceptable.

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  4. Please come and discuss this in Coventry College Henley - there are a few students here who have yet to encounter personal cleanliness....

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    1. It sounds like you need my services. One of the things I particularly can't abide is when you get a very prissy, feminine and elegantly dressed woman going into the cubicle next to you, only to then lay a bowl-cracking log like a docker with full flavour and sound effects. This is morally wrong and should be reserved only for the privacy of their own homes.

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  5. I haven't belly-laughed so much in yonks so cheers for the Rich language. Didn't know there were so many words for the same thing. Where the hell do you get them from! (note the rhetorical explamation mark here).

    Personally if I have to use a public loo (I always opt for a bush wherever possible) I always look through narrowed eyes and my innocent pupils have never witnessed such horrors. I hope I'm not now tempted to inspect. I mean how close do you look? Corker!

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  6. I take bum-skin cleanliness very seriously, Wendy. It matters to me that I don't rub my flabby thighs up against strange lady blancmange and I don't end up wearing somebody else's wee. Other worrying things include unflushed toilets. Somebody left a bowlful on hols in a very nice hotel. How can you lay five chocolate canoes and "forget" to flush? It's just irresponsible.

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  7. OMG, I needed a couple of minutes to reign in my hysteria after reading this! So funny.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Anna-Marie. Just make sure you don't pee your pants in hysteria. It could get smelly.

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